My Dinosaur Brain vs. Your Dinosaur Brain: Couples Counselling
- Stephanie Smith
- Jan 30
- 7 min read
Introduction 🦖
Couples often arrive in therapy saying, “We fight about money, sex, or chores.” On the surface, these look like practical problems — and yes, communication scripts, budgeting plans, or intimacy exercises can help, but beneath those arguments, the dinosaur brain is often roaring!! 🦕🔥
The dinosaur brain is our survival system — the fight, flight, or freeze responses that hijack conversations when we feel threatened. Trauma rewires this system, so even everyday disagreements can feel like danger.
That’s why couples counselling works best when partners combine practical strategies, couples work and individual trauma therapy. Without addressing trauma, even the best skills collapse under stress, leaving couples stuck in the same painful loops. (Therapy on Fig, 2025; Firefly Counseling, 2025).
In my opinion, doing your own healing is one of the most loving gifts you can offer your relationship. When each partner tames their dinosaur brain, couples therapy becomes a safe place for practicing new patterns instead of replaying old wounds (Sweetgrass Therapy, 2025).💛🔦
Common Issues Couples Bring to Therapy 🧩
Couples show up with a wide range of concerns, including:
Communication breakdowns — criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling
Frequent conflicts — chores, lifestyle differences
Parenting differences — discipline styles, blended family challenges, co‑parenting after divorce
Trust breaches — infidelity, secrecy, dishonesty
Financial struggles — debt, budgeting, spending habits, scarcity fears
Intimacy + sexual concerns — desire differences, trauma triggers, emotional or physical disconnect
Life transitions — moving, career changes, illness, retirement, becoming parents
Mental health challenges — depression, anxiety, addiction, trauma symptoms
Extended family stress — in‑laws, cultural expectations, caregiving
Feeling disconnected — emotional distance, “roommate syndrome,” loss of shared meaning (Utah State University, 2025; Evolve Behavioral Health, 2024; Dr. Bonnie’s Relationship Rehab, 2025).
Why Practical Strategies Alone Aren’t Enough 🧠⚡
Communication scripts, financial plans, and sex therapy are incredibly helpful and I have seen incredible growth and healing for couples engaging in counselling— but that can be very fragile if trauma is running the show.
For example:
A budgeting plan collapses when scarcity trauma triggers panic.
Intimacy strategies fall apart when unprocessed abuse or attachment wounds surface.
Communication tools evaporate when the nervous system flips into survival mode.
Trauma doesn’t care how many worksheets you’ve completed or how many times you have practiced active listnening. Trauma rewires the brain to misinterpret safety as danger. Until each partner does their own healing, the dinosaur brain will continue the hijacking progress (Couples Institute, 2025; Prospering Minds Counseling, 2025).
The Dinosaur Brain in Conflict
The dinosaur brain 🦖= survival mode, the most primitive party of our brain. The flashlight brain 🔦= our thinking brain, awareness, curiosity, and choice.
In conflict, the dinosaur brain shows up as:
Fight — criticism, yelling, sarcasm
Flight — shutting down, leaving the room, avoiding
Freeze — going blank, going numb, feeling stuck, silence
Fawn — people pleasing, difficulty setting boundaries
Trauma makes this system hypersensitive, so even neutral comments can feel like threats. The past sneaks into the present, and partners start reacting to old wounds instead of each other. Taming strategies include: naming the dinosaur brain, using pause scripts, grounding rituals, and shifting into the “flashlight brain” (awareness and choice) (PESI UK, 2025). AND learning these skills will not just benefit your relationship but functioning in your daily life as well!
If you haven't had a chance, go back and read my previous blog post You’re Not Your Dinosaur Brain 🦖 for a more detailed explaination of the dinosaur brain.
The Importance of Individual Trauma Work 💛🧘♂️
Couples counselling can powerful — but it cannot carry the full weight of unresolved trauma and it cannot replace individual trauma healing. Each partner needs their own therapist to process wounds, build regulation, and reduce re‑enactment (Siewert Psychotherapy, 2024). Doing your own work isn’t abandoning the relationship — it’s the most relational act of love (Firefly Counseling, 2025; Sweetgrass Therapy, 2025). While couples counseling is a powerful space for learning new patterns together, it simply can’t replace the depth and safety of individual trauma work. Each partner needs a place where their nervous system, history, and internal world can be explored without the pressure of protecting the relationship in real time.
Individual therapy offers unique benefits that couples therapy isn’t designed to provide:
🌿 1. A Private Space to Explore Your Story
In couples sessions, partners often filter their emotions to avoid hurting each other. Individual therapy gives you the freedom to explore your past, your fears, and your internal narratives without worrying about how your partner will react.
🌿 2. Deep Trauma Processing
Modalities like EMDR, somatic therapy, and trauma‑focused therapies require focused, individualized attention. These approaches help you process childhood wounds, attachment injuries, and nervous system patterns that can’t be addressed fully in a shared session.
🌿 3. Personalized Regulation Tools
Your triggers, body responses, and coping strategies are unique. Individual therapy helps you build a personalized toolkit — grounding, breathwork, sensory strategies, boundary scripts — that you can later bring into the relationship.
🌿 4. A Therapist Who Is Fully in Your Corner
In couples therapy, the therapist must remain balanced and attuned to both partners. In individual therapy, you have someone who is your advocate — someone who can challenge you, support you, and help you grow without needing to hold space for your partner at the same time.
🌿 5. A Safe Place to Practice Internal Safety
Relationships thrive when each partner has a stable internal foundation. Individual therapy helps you build that foundation — learning to soothe your nervous system, understand your patterns, and create internal safety that you can bring back into the relationship.
🌿 6. Space to Change Without Pressure
Sometimes one partner is ready to grow faster than the other. Individual therapy allows you to evolve at your own pace, without waiting for your partner to be in the same emotional season.
Two Trees Metaphor
Think of it this way: a relationship is like two trees growing side by side—each with its own roots, trunk, and branches, but sharing the same soil and sunlight. Individual counselling tends the underground root system: healing past wounds, strengthening emotional regulation, and clarifying personal values. When each partner is grounded in their own work, the relationship canopy becomes stronger, more flexible, and better able to weather storms. Couples counselling then becomes the space where those two trees learn to intertwine intentionally—reaching toward each other with clarity, resilience, and care. Together, they create a thriving ecosystem.
Couples Counseling Through a Trauma Lens 🧩💞
When trauma work and couples therapy run in parallel, the relationship becomes a healing context, not a battleground.
Tools may include:
Co‑regulation practices — pause scripts, grounding rituals, safe words
Integration — bringing insights from individual therapy into couples sessions
Safety protocols — slowing down, naming triggers, repairing ruptures
This approach shifts therapy from firefighting to repair, resilience, and reconnection.
My Clinical Stance
I sometimes tell couples I won’t continue working with them unless they are also doing individual trauma work — with their own therapists. Couples therapy cannot carry the full weight of unresolved trauma. Separate therapists ensure each person has a safe space to regulate their dinosaur brain and bring healthier patterns back into the relationship (Therapy on Fig, 2025). If your dinosaur brain is trying to drive the car in your relationship — you won't see over the steering wheel and are likely to crash!
What Happens If One Partner Does Trauma Work and the Other Doesn’t
When one partner commits to trauma work and the other resists, imbalance can strain the relationship: frustration, emotional distance, repeated conflict, and confusion (Psychology Today, 2025; Siewert Psychotherapy, 2024). If one partner does individual therapy and the other doesn’t, couples therapy can feel uneven. The partner in individual work may be learning how to calm their reactions, process their trauma and understand their patterns, while the other is still responding from stress or survival mode. This can slow progress and create frustration, even with good intentions. Couples therapy works best when both partners have support to do their own healing alongside the relationship work.
Conclusion 🌟
Couples counselling is about more than better communication and managing conflict — it’s about healing trauma, supporting each other and gaining a better of understanding of ourselves and each other. Learning new skills, engaging in financial strategies, and exploring intimacy exercises are wonderful, but they only stick when each partner learns to regulate their nervous system and regulate their own dinosaur brain. As a result, the relationship can finally shift from survival mode to connection, curiosity, and growth. When each partner tames their dinosaur brain, the relationship can finally thrive. 🦖➡️💛➡️🌱
As always, thanks so much for taking the time to read my blog! I would love it if you would leave a comment and let me know what you think! It would also be great if you like and share this post!
Stephanie Smith, RSW, MSW
Olive Branch Counselling
Resources to Check Out:
References
AdaptPDX. (2024, November 26). The role of metaphors and visualization in trauma therapy. Retrieved from https://adaptpdx.com/2024/11/26/metaphors-visualization-trauma-therapy
Couples Institute. (2025). Couples and trauma, part 1: Understanding the challenges. Retrieved from https://www.couplesinstitute.com/couples-and-trauma-part-1-understanding-the-challenges
Dr. Bonnie’s Relationship Rehab. (2025, March 31). Five common problems addressed by couples counseling. Retrieved from https://drbonniesrelationshiprehab.com/five-common-problems-addressed-by-couples-counseling
Evolve Behavioral Health. (2024, October 16). 10 common relationship issues couples counseling can solve. Retrieved from https://www.evolvebhc.org/blog/common-relationship-issues-couples-counseling-can-solve
Firefly Counseling. (2025). Couples counseling: A healing place for individual trauma. Retrieved from https://www.fireflycounselingmke.com/blog/couples-counseling-a-healing-place-for-individual-trauma
PESI UK. (2025). Useful metaphors in trauma healing. Retrieved from https://www.pesi.co.uk/blogs/useful-metaphors-in-trauma-healing
Prospering Minds Counseling. (2025, January 20). Healing together: The impact of trauma on intimacy. Retrieved from https://www.prospering-mc.com/pmcblog/healing-together-the-impact-of-trauma-on-intimacy
Psychology Today. (2025, July 1). Trauma treatment: Metaphors for consideration. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-metaphors/202506/trauma-treatment-metaphors-for-consideration
Psychology Today. (2025, June 8). When the past haunts the present: Trauma and relationships. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/solving-the-relationship-puzzle/202505/when-the-past-haunts-the-present-trauma-and
Siewert Psychotherapy. (2024, September 6). Why individual therapy is often an essential element for successful couples therapy. Retrieved from https://www.siewertpsychotherapy.com/post/why-individual-therapy-is-often-an-essential-element-for-successful-couples-therapy
Sweetgrass Therapy. (2025). Healing together: How trauma-informed couples therapy transforms relationships. Retrieved from https://sweetgrasstherapy.com/blog/trauma-informed-couples-therapy
Therapy Group DC. (2025). Transform your relationship with trauma-informed couples therapy. Retrieved from https://therapygroupdc.com/therapist-dc-blog/transform-your-relationship-with-trauma-informed-couples-therapy
Therapy on Fig. (2025, April 6). Working through trauma in couple’s therapy. Retrieved from https://therapyonfig.com/blog/2025/4/6/working-through-trauma-in-couples-therapy
Utah State University. (2025, July 11). 10 common reasons couples and families seek therapy (and how it helps). Retrieved from https://cehs.usu.edu/hdfs/blog/10-common-reasons-couples-and-families-seek-therapy-and-how-it-helps
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